One thing my husband has always loved about me was my positive attitude. I like to think of it as my "can do" attitude. I hate thinking about how things "can't" be done, and like to think of how they "can".
Having Colin in my life should mean that having that optimism will get me through so many of the tough days ahead, especially because he is a preemie.
Yet lately I find myself trying to remember that side of myself every day, especially when his life presents a plethora of complex riddles and challenges.
On the whole, things are going "GREAT" with Colin. Since my last post, we are now 100% eating by mouth! Yay! That in itself should be a great accomplishment, so for the moment, I'll pat myself on the back *pat, pat, pat*. :)
Still, trying to enjoy this accomplishment has been hard because of several reasons. First, he started having constipation issues, and without boring you with the LONG details, after several different formula changes and interventions, we finally settled back to giving him what he had been drinking all along (Neosure formula if you are interested).
Continuing with the Neosure is not without it's issues, because his GI doctor has determined he has a Milk Protein Allergy (not lactose intolerant), and until he outgrows it around 1 year of age, he will continue to sound mucosy in his throat when he eats, and his poops look.....let's just say, not normal.
At the same time while we have been trying to continue feeding him by mouth, several "quirks" and problems have now presented themselves.
So the second hindrance has been that Colin has developed this weird habit of taking only about 1oz of milk for his day feeds, and then the rest of the time he twists his head from side to side like he doesn't want the nipple, but then gets mad when it is removed from his mouth. This makes feeding him a 2-4oz bottle take over 30 minutes if I'm real persistent. And that's if he even decides to finish it.
The last hindrance has been that when he had his pediatrician appointment this Wednesday, we determined that he was still gaining weight, and in the past week he had gained 7oz (for a current grand total of 12.7oz). Way to go Colin!
Yet.......I can't even revel in this accomplishment either, because the pediatrician has determined that this amount is not "enough", and that if he doesn't gain what she determines is "enough" weight by his next appointment in 3 weeks, I may have to go back to feeding him by G-tube during the night to increase his weight gain.
Which makes this head twisting thing frustrating, because now that he does this, it is all I can do to get him to consume the amount he used to take when he was feeding by G-tube. Each day he seems to be taking in less and less. Except for the early morning after he has slept 6-8 hours straight at night. Then he can take a 5oz bottle no problem! Go figure......
Am I sounding too Negative Nelly yet? Well, one last thing kinda sinks me even lower into negative thoughts. One that I'm almost afraid to admit for fear of hurting feelings or making others feel bad. Yet this blog is a place for me to vent and document my feelings on motherhood, and I guess I wouldn't be honest to myself if I didn't disclose them.
So what's this last revelation? Well, it seems that every little person around Colin's age (mostly his adjusted age, because let's face it, he is WAY off from other's at his chronological age) is doing things that seem so simple, yet so far off from what Colin can do.
Little things like standing on their legs with their parents help, or pushing themselves on the ground, or gazing intently at the world or people around them, or even just taking more than a 5 oz bottle like it's nothing.
I know, I know. Colin is on his own schedule, he will simply just do things a little different, blah, blah, blah. I know this, really I do.
Yet, why can't my mind just allow me to enjoy the little things that Colin can do? Like the fact that he can now hold his trunk upright with a little help from me so he doesn't fold over like a piece of paper.
Or his eye contact has improved to the point where he can stare at someone or something for at least 3 REALLY GOOD seconds.
Even the fact that he can suck a binky and hold it in his mouth on his own for at least a minute (and longer if I prop him on his side!).
Still, what kind of person am I that somehow these things seem trivial compared to the world around him. It breaks my heart knowing my mind thinks these things. And that is the conundrum that exists within myself every day.
The fact that one side of me is GENUINELY happy for these little milestones occurring in others lives, while another side of me is sad and perplexed that my little guy is no where even close to doing these things.
And how another side bursts with pride and happiness when Colin shows a small improvement in therapy, like reaching out for a toy or person in his vision, yet another side wonders why he can't hold his grip.
The only time that these other "negative" sides seem to go away is when I live life within the confines of my house, only seeing what is in front of me, and not paying attention to the fast pace around us.
Yet is this a way to live life? In a bubble? I know the answer is no, but still, I find myself wanting to. Wanting to keep the bursting pride of seeing small accomplishments in Colin as the only BIG thing that happens in the life around us. Wanting to forget that there is a time and place for things to progress in this life, and just wanting them to happen whenever they decide to, no expectations.
And I know it's there. The side of me that is still optimistic. Because that side is the one that tells me that things are going to be different tomorrow. That no matter what, one day we are going to wake up and Colin will be standing on his legs, or crawling on his belly, or even drinking like it's no big deal.
So I wait. Wait till I have come to the end of the day when I can tell myself that we have another WHOLE day ahead of us tomorrow. And I forget about the bubble bursting at some point, and just patiently wait for it to grow again...........
