People prepared me for the sleepless nights. For the ton's of dirty diapers I would be changing. For the crying bouts that most times seem to have no answers. But the guilt? That is one that I feel most people don't prepare you for.
As a mommy (and more specifically, the mommy of a preemie), I always feel as if there is more I should be doing. On days that Colin seems to just want to sleep, instead of relishing a moment to take a shower or make myself something to eat, I find myself constantly thinking, "Is something wrong? Could he be sick?" (no, he's not. Perfectly fine the doctor tells me.)
Or when he is awake and I am holding him and doing double duty of reading an article or watching a TV show on my iPad, I think, "Shouldn't I be playing with him right now? Isn't there some brain development activity that I should be practicing with him?" (For the record, he doesn't 'like' to play. Actually, he doesn't even know how!)
And then I talk to other mommy's and they tell me, preemies or not, they worry too. Alot. So I guess this is all normal.
But it sure does make adjusting to life with Colin at home a weird adjustment. So far, things have been great. Our routine is eat, sleep, doctor's appointments, therapy, bath's and snuggle time. Not necessarily in that order.
Yet having Colin in the way I had Colin has reminded me that I am not living the life I thought I was going to live. I told myself that my life was not going to change just because I had a baby. No sireee! That baby was going to adjust to MY life.
Yet.........my life has completely adjusted to his eating, sleeping, doctor's appointments, therapy, bath's and snuggle time. And while it's not horrible, it's just......different.
I guess I knew that when I had him at 25 weeks. Things definitely did not start out the way I planned. But somehow, I now feel as if my life is on hold. Maybe it doesn't help that being in the middle of RSV season, I can't take Colin out anywhere for fear of his being sick and further weakening his lungs. So being homebound makes you think crazy thoughts. Or are they?
I mean, is this readjusting to mommyhood something that all mother's face at some point? Thinking you are going to plan it another way, and then that cute little bundle comes along and says "Sorry lady, that's not how it works."
Some people say, "Wait till 4 months adjusted (when Colin is 7 months old). That is when they'll suddenly come alive. They'll smile, be alert, things will just be different". So I wait. And I try not to feel guilty about sometimes wishing that I could fast foward to that time when things will be different. But then I realize, they already are different. So I start to understand that here is where I need to be, guilt and all. And that is ok. There is always more good to be done tomorrow..........
(Full disclosure- I am not depressed! Just musing on my thoughts of motherhood. No need to be worried.)
I hear ya! I feel that my life was on hold for the first two years, actually. I am just now feeling that I am finding myself again in all of this. I wish I could encourage you a bit more, but it's all about creating your new normal. Some days it will come easily, it will be wonderful, beautiful, and easy... and other days, you will feel guilt, sadness, boredom... so many things. You are just starting out and need to give yourself room to just be. All the things you are feeling are completely what I felt. It's so easy for me to say all this, now that Jack is almost 3. But, you will find your new normal.
ReplyDeleteYes, Yes, and more yeses! The key...' being where you need to be.' Very wise, but not always clear what that is, or not always what we would choose if we made life up the way we wanted it to be. Yes, yes, yes! I am there, with you, Sister, living the same type of dilemma!!! In the end, I'd rather be where I belonged, whatever that may be, then to do what I want at the moment! Complicated human condition, but; I guess that is where the test comes in. I'd rather pass then be lost in the sea of, oops, my bad!!! Love you all always!!! Good work, Arianne, and thanks so much for sharing. Your blog is so insightful and it's a blessing to get to share the inner dialogue with you!!!
ReplyDeleteJason says guilt is my BFF
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