I've always loved the movie "Dumbo". Maybe because I saw myself as the mommy elephant who was hoping for a baby at some point in her life. But little did I realize that my personal mommy story would share similarities with the character.
The day of Colin's birth was tough, because it was NOTHING like I had imagined. I had prepared a music mix of all the songs I wanted playing during his birth. You know, while I was giving birth in a tub, remember that?
Yet, my experience was one of panic at 1am in the morning, prepped for a c-section, and then having a large sheet draped in front of me, all the while thinking "baby, please be ok, please be ok".
When Colin was taken out of me, I heard no little squeals or cries. Being on medications for the c-section, I thought maybe I was too drugged up to hear anything. I was later told by Rich that the reason for no noises was the fact that Colin was not breathing at all.
He watched in horror as they immediately started manual CPR to get his little heart started. After a few minutes, they determined it was started, and away he was whisked to the NICU.
Once a woman has a c-section, she cannot get out of bed for 24 hours. In my case, the 24 hours felt like 24 days to me. All I got to see of Colin were pictures that Rich took with his cell phone that showed me what my little boy looked like. I was then making it my mission that at exactly 2:04am on 11/13, I would tell the nurses I was ready to see my little boy.
When it was time, the nurse wheeled me over to the NICU, where I was given my first lesson on hand washing for 3 minutes. This is a procedure that continues to this day whenever I want to see Colin. First handwashing for 3 minutes, then a walk to his incubator.
When my hands were washed, I realized "this was it, I'm going to see my baby for the first time". The moment for me felt SO much like the scene above from Dumbo. First of all, I didn't look my best. I was wearing the ugly hospital gown, and nothing else. I had not showered in 4 days. I could barely walk because of my week long bedrest and c-section.Overall, I was a mess.
But as I hobbled over to the incubator, each step made me so happy, yet so sad that this was how I was seeing my baby for the first time. I cried during my 5 minute walk to him (yes, it took me that long to walk). And much like the mommy elephant, I couldn't hold my baby. All I could do (and still do) was give him gentle touches to his head and legs.
So even though many of you know my great love of pigs (I'm even doing his nursery theme "flying pigs"), these little elephants will forever mean sooooo much to me. Because I hope to see my little boy soar much like Dumbo did, and be standing by watching as his proud mommy.......
beautifully spoken.
ReplyDeleteThis scene in Dumbo makes me cry EVERY time I watch it. And you described your feelings so perfectly. Did you know that in Thailand elephants are good luck? I've always had a soft spot for elephants. They are my favorite animal. When Colin gets older, like an adult, he's going to love looking back on all these posts you are writing and seeing how much you love him and how all of us were praying for him to survive and keep fighting. Love you, girl!
ReplyDeleteYour blogs touch my heart every time I read it. The water works come streaming down.I'm so grateful that you are writing about your experience. I have been learning so much from you. You are doing so wonderful Arianne, hang in there :) - Maureen
ReplyDeleteWhat a lucky boy to have you as a mother, Arianne. I can picture you seeing your baby for the first time and it brings a smile to my face. Be strong....you have a great support system with many that love you. Myself included:)
ReplyDeleteI feel so lucky to be able to read your posts, expressing the inner turmoil and true emotions of your experience. I see you climbing in uncharted territory, up a steep hill, with love as your guide, and a very tiny beautiful baby boy as the focus of your desires. Motherhood: the journey of love. Thank you! ~B
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I cry even when I sing that song to Eden, and this detailed story of your ordeal has me in tears. My heart aches for you and what you're going through. You were meant to be a mom: you are powerful as a woman, and you're soft and nurturing to children. Plus you know how to have fun. Heavenly Father knows what you can handle and he's given you a special boy... I love you and pray every day for your family. Stay strong :)
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